Ten easy steps to project yourself as an 'Indian Liberal Intellectual (I-Li)'
These steps are picked up from Self-Styled “Indian Liberal Intellectuals (I-Li)', who are, unfortunately, neither Liberal, nor Intellectual, nor Indian…!!!
But True Indian will never forget what Martin Luther King Jr. said, ‘Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter’…...!!! And they will always say “I’m glad, I chose to live…!”
1) Every time you come across any post in social media that has the words 'Hindu' or ‘Hindutva' in it describe the post as 'vile and disgusting’, regardless of the actual context. Express your hatred for ‘Hinduism’ constantly and diligently. However, do not forget to mention in the same breath that you 'respect' Hindus….!!!
2) Always mention 'Gujarat 2002' in any discussion. Even if the topic of discussion is about the reproductive habits of the primates…!!! Remember the golden rule “All communal riots are equal, but Gujarat riots are more equal than others!”
3) Write about Modi in any medium using words like 'vile monster', 'butcher', 'autocrat', and something similar. Attend anti-Modi seminars at the India International Centre and talk passionately about ‘malnutrition in Gujarat's children’ as your table gets stuffed with a laden plate of canapés and a glass of free champagne….!!!
4) Create an empty domain of ‘secularism’. Use ‘Secularism’ as a weapon for political correctness. Liberally throw a scrap of carefully constructed praise at the 'secular Hindus' and pander to their egos…!!! This is very essential if you want to present yourself as a 'liberal humanist'. Say things like 'India is secular because of the secular Hindus'.
There was a secondary separation between science and religion in the secular discourse. Yet oddly, it was Christianity that was continuously at odds with science while the great religions were always open to the sciences. Even this created a form of coerciveness, where even scientists open to religion or ritual were asked to distance themselves from it….!!! The fuss made about a scientist discouraged them from associating themselves with a godman like Sai Baba was like a tantrum. There is a sense of snobbery but more, there is an illiteracy here because religion, especially Christianity shaped the cosmologies of science. In many ways, Ecology is an attempt to reshape and reinvent that legacy….!!!
5) Learn to do spiritual somersaults depending upon the subject being discussed. Sometimes, you might refer to yourself as an atheist, sometimes as an agnostic, but always mention that you are 'spiritual, not religious'….!!! And the second golden rule is when you are speaking in Hindi, always refer to God as 'Khuda', never as 'Bhagwan' or 'Ishwar'……!!!
6) Always shout from the rooftops that you are free from all caste prejudices, but never omit to mention the C word when needed. Carefully used, it can be an invaluable tool in a debate…..!!! It is a wonderful divisive technique that can be used again and again to drive a wedge among the Hindus.
7) Make selective, controversial postings about army atrocities in Kashmir and weep buckets over the ‘oppressed Kashmiri youth’. But remember, make NO mention of the plight of the Kashmiri Pandits. Never Ever!
8) When all else fails, use Kejriwal principle….!!! Start throwing the term “fascist RSS supporter” at your opponent's face. You need not worry about the veracity of the charge if you throw the term enough times at someone, chances are, IT WILL STICK. Even if that fails, call them 'Ambani, Adani, Tata, Birla, Bajaj agents', THIS WILL DEFINITELY STICK…..!!!
9) Invest in a suitable wardrobe. If you are a man, fashionably crumpled ‘Fab India Kurtas’ is a must. A French beard is very helpful….!!! It establishes your 'intellectual' credentials automatically, even if your IQ can barely crawl to double digits.
If you are a woman, you need to wear ‘cotton handloom saris’ in earthy tones with ‘mismatched ugly granny blouses.’ Also, wear a ‘Bindi’ the size of a ‘soup bowl’ for better visibility of ‘Bindi’ and drown your eyes in a copious amount of “kohl” or “Kajal”. The aim is to look like a slightly demented raccoon. It helps if your hair is liberally streaked with grey….!!! Wow…..now you look perfect ‘intelligent – liberal’….!!!
10) When you find yourself unable to argue logically, or when you come to that point as the argument advances, announce loftily that you cannot talk with “rabid Internet Hindus” because your fragile liberal humanist soul is unable to deal with the pain of their 'communal comments'…..!!!
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